The cat is a gigantic thing; obviously a boy, not only from its enormous size, but also because its fur is absolutely shit. If you've ever owned a cat, you'll know what I mean; male cats that aren't neutered typically fight a fuckload, and you can tell they've been fighting by their appearance. The fur goes from being clean and soft and all the things a cat's fur should be, and instead becomes a kind of weird, wiry coat instead. So, though LazyCat does absolutely fuck-all during the day, I expect his nights are full of feline adventure.

Just lately I've seen him sunbathing a lot out the front in the middle of the road. He doesn't give a fuck about cars coming along or anything like that - the lazy bastard flops down where he wants and that's it. He'll be there for hours, almost totally motionless. The other day when I looked out of the window and saw him, I actually thought the fucker had died.

When I was running in my garden the other day, about ten minutes in I noticed the thing just laying there on the garden table under a canopy; so, obviously, I had to go and stroke him, though what was meant to be a brief fuss turned into almost ten minutes of it. I don't think LazyCat's owners actually pay him any attention, because after I left, every time I walked back past, he kept looking up at me in an almost hopeful way.

A tortoiseshell cat that lives a few doors down from my house, I have nicknamed Mrs Cat. She is often around, mostly because her owners barely let her in. If she sets eyes on you as you're walking past, you have to prepare to be followed for a way, and if you stop to stroke her, you have to be prepared to get away from her quick when you next walk, because the bitch will not leave you alone.

Interestingly, however, Mrs Cat only likes her head being stroked. Touch anything other than her head for more than a brief amount of time and you're fucked.

A kitten who only had one eye, and whose name was Kai, lived down my road approximately six years ago. He was awesome, not just because he had one eye and was the cat who got tonnes of pity attention. One day he followed the school kids up to my secondary school, so I had to catch the thing and sit with it in the reception until my mum came to pick him up and drop him back to his home. Unfortunately, he disappeared a few days later. We think he was hit by a car.

DevilCat was around even longer ago, and similarly disappeared without a trace. Like a mangy old persian gone wrong, DevilCat looked like something out of your worst nightmares; if you saw that thing coming up an alley towards you, you'd be prone to shitting yourself. DevilCat looked fucked up.

Which is why I thought DevilCat was fucking awesome! He got pity attention from me for being so freaky-looking, despite probably being ignored by anyone else down the road.

Still, the ignoring may have been justified; one time, DevilCat climbed in the back of my dad's van and proceeded to piss on everything. Dad was not amused. I was.